Twelve Inch Pianist

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

'Hey, what's that?'

'A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.'

'Can I try?' The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

'Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!'

'Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?'


:joker:

Another Lesson in Managment

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very high up

:joker:

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

he walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order,
a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:

"Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My

parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give toyou"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

:lol: :clap: class mate

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, ”I have had a lovely time. You look like a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?” She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks at her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?", he asked. She said “I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said “Not well suited for bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.”

another class one :joker:

looks like your in charge of the daily joke thread :thumbs_up:

lol thx matt.... i think :)
ill try and put 1 joke on here atleast once every weekday :)

An old Greek man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Spiros, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Spiros,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Spiros......................

PMSL :D u are the Joke daddy stone cold keep it up :D

most of these i get from emails at work :P
so i cant take all the credit

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off
it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in
the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkk!! :o :o :o

:joker: :gay:

One day there was a baby polar bear out in the snow with his parents
he tuens to his mother and says
"mum are i really a polar bear?"

The mum look at her son and says
"Sure your a polar bear son, im a polar bear and your dad is a polar bear, that makes you a polar bear"

The son continues to think about it for a little while and turns to his dad and says
"Dad am i really a polar bear"

The dad looks at his son and says
"Yes you are son, im a polar bear and ur mum is a plar bear that makes you a polar bear"

The dad thinks about the quesiton for a minute long and says to his son
"Son, why dont you think your a polar bear"

The son turns around and looks at his dad with his big brown eyes and screams
"CAUSE IM FUCKING COLD!!"

Consider yourself warned.............................................

The latest scam from the Central Coast area which happened to me at
the Erina Shopping Centre.

Two good looking 18 year old women with wet T-shirts approach while
you're still in the car.

One starts wiping your windshield with a Squigee, the other comes to
your window saying 'Hi' while bending over with her breasts almost
coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.

When you offer $2 for the screen-clean they say no and ask for a ride
to another Shopping Centre. You agree and tell them to sit in the
back.

On the way they start having girl on girl sex in the back seat.
Then one of them jumps to the front seat & starts to perform oral
sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday last week, but

I went looking but couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

:lol: :banana_jump:

quality gag

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

:lol: nice1 mate

you are the master

hahahaha! :D

Condoms........


Why do Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, and 12?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these,
Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy
pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for
high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for
Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are
for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....etc."

:lol:

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :P

mwamwa mwaaaaaa

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K., you know... Double Income, NoKids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?'" She replies: "I'm a W.I.FE., you know... Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, "B.I.T.C.H."
What exactly is a BITCH?!? they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" SMILE and say"Thank You!!"

MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY CALL HER A BITCH!

3 ducks walk into a bar

after seving them drinks the bar tender says to first duck "whats your name"
"Houie" says the first duck
"what have you been doing all day" asks the bar tender
"ive been playing in puddles" replies Houie

the bar tender looks at the 2nd duck and says "whats your name"
"Douie" says the 2nd duck
"what have you been doing all day" asks the bar tender
"ive been playing in puddles" replies Douie

the bar tender then looks at the 3rd duck and says
"let me guess ur Louie?"
"no" replies the 3rd duck "im puddles"

more fine jokes :joker:

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotelrooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of, Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE....UGH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

hahahahaha

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

:lol:

You guys should do stand up :D

what s the deal with that little page of peanuts u get on the airaplaine
whoa re they trying to keep out of them... terrorists??

see im not funnie doing standup :P

Irish language lesson



A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Paddy jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

:joker:

Dont ever tell a woman they cant cook !!!!!

contagious PMSL Matt thats a Pure classic mate

Learn Chinese in minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

:lol:

class mate

will b interesting to the reaction fot he rest of the ppl... they will eaither find it funnie or offencive :P

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted
three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion,
surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux
Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

:joker: :jump: